Sunday, October 16, 2016

Confessions of a Halloween Hater

Image result for google image of a witch

I hate Halloween.

There I said it. I haven’t always felt this way, only since I became an adult. So, it’s been long enough. My kids are no longer little—or currently care what I think—so I’m ready to end the charade.

I never understood why my mom hated Halloween until I had kids of my own. As soon as my oldest was two it all became clear to me and only got worse when her sisters were born.

What exactly do I hate about Halloween you may ask?

Easy answer: EVERYTHING

1)      The season – yes it has its own season. Beginning with the initial discussion of costumes in July and ramping up when the stores start replacing back-to-school supplies with jumbo bags of candy and plastic packages of costumes for kids and pets. This occurs in August around here. Yes, you can buy candy corn to enjoy at the pool in the 90 degree heat.  Personally, the H word is not allowed to be spoken in my presence until October.

2)      The costumes – from July to October the kids will have changed their minds on their ‘idea’ six to seven times. Each kid. Every year they will tell me they’ve decided on ‘the one’ and assure me it will be easy, that I won’t have to do a thing. I will then make a dozen trips to the pop-up store (see 3 below), 3-4 confusing visits to the craft store and countless excursions to Target, often multiple times on the Saturday before Halloween. Compromises will be made as well as the inevitable last minute Amazon Prime order. (By the way, my love for Amazon Prime is as strong as my hate for Halloween). In the end, the costume will look amazing, but the costume-wearer will know and let me know, something isn’t quite the way it was planned.

2a) The back-up costume – a necessary evil and expense. I discovered when my older two girls were in pre-school that they are expected to wear their Halloween costume approximately 6 times before the actual ‘holiday.’ They would have to dress up for the school party, the park district party, gymnastics, at least one Halloween themed birthday party, and a Halloween walk through our downtown that I managed to keep my girls from knowing about until their friends in Brownies ratted me out. With all these events including chocolate, caramel apples, and colorful drinks I should consider myself lucky we got way with only two costumes per season.

3)      The pop-up stores - I don’t know when this phenomenon began, but I became aware of them 15 years ago when I moved to our current town. Seemingly overnight, abandoned stores transform to havens of costumes, decorations and everything my kids, ‘NEED!’  These stores lure kids like the flashing lights on slot machines at a casino and suck your money out at about the same speed. My husband and father-in-law think these places are ingenious and have no qualms about buying plastic rats and flashing skulls to ‘decorate’ my yard.

4)      The candy - I soo want to be the house that hands out an alternative to candy, but I think my house looks better without cracked eggs adorning my front door and windows. The only thing worse than handing out all that sugar is my kids coming home with their loot. After I’ve handed out 5 large bags of candy, it returns in triplicate and in various forms. We struggle over rationing, hiding and donating. In the end, they eat too much and we keep it too long, always.

5)      The parties – the little kid versions I had to attend were bad enough, but then the ‘big kid’ stuff hit. The school my kids attend/ed ranges from pre-school through 8th grade. There is a Halloween party at the school, a drop-off party, for 4th through 6th graders. Sound like fun, right? As long as I avoid the volunteer email I get to drop them off for two and half hours.  The kids have a haunted house, a DJ and food. What’s not to love? The prize for best group costume. Suddenly in 4th grade, kids will form cliques as they decide who should and should not be included in their group costume. One kid and mom will take control and drama will ensue. Someone will drop out of the group, someone will feel left out. By the time my third daughter entered 4th grade I figured out to encourage a stand-alone costume that could part of a group, or not. Best costume to date = a rubber ducky. No one knows there was originally an Ernie who was supposed to be her partner. She/I won ‘most original.’

6)      The decorations – tacky, messy, and oftentimes just gross. Have you ever tried to remove fake cobwebs from bushes? After it snows – because it snows on Halloween here at least half the time. I used to enjoy carving a jack-o-lantern until I become responsible for the guts and later disposing of the squirrel-molested pumpkin carcass.

We’re two weeks out now and I’m waiting for the drama to drop. The older two are in high school now and assure me they don’t need anything and will just figure things out later. This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. The youngest is in sixth grade, so her last school party is fast approaching.

 I could go on and on, but she just yelled up from the basement asking where I keep the hot glue gun.

Happy H Word